.....so, i've been thinking.  the poor, inefficient pack leaders spend too much time out of the house, hunting for food.  hours and hours every day.  hours that could be much better spent at home, say, petting someone very handsome with yellow floppy ears.

anyways, yesterday, i decided i'd help out the poor pack leaders.  i bet i can find food in less than one hour! 

so, when they left, i trotted into the kitchen (the usual place where food grows...i don't understand why they don't try looking there more often), and you know what?  i *am* an excellent helper!  i'm even *better* at foraging for food than the pack leaders!  i found a cider donut!  and a whole box of cookies!  sooooo much better than kibble!  i *particularly* like what the pack leader says are the "120-calorie-each cookies".  spent quite some time licking *that* container of each and every crumb.

incidentally, it's a good thing i'm so independent, too, because nobody gave me dinner last night.

humpf!

and ohmygodsugarissoveryexcitingexcitINGEXCITING!!!  ILOVESUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR!!!!!!

so the pack leader keeps mentioning that she wants to find a costume for me to wear at the end of the month.  but every time she goes to a store to look at canine costumes --for some reason she can't understand-- they're always for *little* dogs.  you know, yippers.  purse dogs. 

well, needless to say, my 72 pounds doesn't exactly put me in this category.

but i've figured out the perfect solution, and it's one i can do *all by myself*!

i discovered this yesterday:  if i roll around in bella's yard, i get covered in sticky brown pine tree needles.  *all over*. 

it makes me the *perfect* porcupine!

yeah, i know, they'll have to extract the extra pine cone or two (one got stuck good under my ear; made me look like i had an earring....there's a thought for a new, hip, look....), but it's cheap, it's easy, and i can do it myself while the pack's out during the day.  the perfect solution!

i'm an *excellent* problem solver.

went outside last night just before bed to pee.  and what do you know, right inside my yard was a kitty with two eyes and a bushy tail and a big white stripe!  i'm a really friendly guy, so of course in less than a second i quickly ran to it to say hi and sniff it (it had a certain unexplainable, yet alluring, odor to it).  just as i got up to it, the pack leader started screaming, "NO, BENTLEY!!!  NO!!!!  COME HERE!"

by then, the kitty (out of nowhere!) had deployed chemical warfare on my head, which was kinda neat because it *totally* covered my own scent.  i am a ninja who smells like a kitty with a white stripe!  i am camoflauged!

i turned around and went back to the pack leader, who started using all sorts of words that aren't very ladylike.

and i bet you can guess what happened next. 

yup, the pack leader ran next door and got some sort of sprayable stench absorber, which she put all over yours truly while we were still in the yard.  outside baths are so embarrassing!  i just kept my head down and my tail between my legs.  in the meantime, the secondary pack leader ran out to somewhere to get some "high-drogen pair-ox-eyed", which they used to give me a *second* bath. 

and let me tell you, this stuff is even *worse* than the peaches.

plus, now they're calling me skunk doggie dog, mr. stinky, stinkdog, and all sorts of other names that i'm pretty sure aren't meant to be endearing.  as if it's *my* fault that the kitty was armed and dangerous.  sheesh!

so for the last few weeks i've been spending my days over at bella's while my pack is out "earning money to buy me kibble".  bella and i've been having a great time, wrestling and butthumping in the mud and pine tree sap.  i've taught bella how to countersurf (boy, do we love catfood!), and bella's taught me how to bark at each and every dog that passes by.

but today, today was my moment of *triumph*.

this afternoon, just before bella's pack leader got home, we

finally

caught

the

bunnyrabbit!

i am a *fearsome* hunter!!!  (or bella is, at least.  but i played a *critical* supporting role.)

and can you guess how my pack leader thanked me for taking the initiative and finding my own dinner? well, let me give you a hint....i smell like friggin' *peaches*.  humpf!!!

so bella has this blue plastic thing in her yard.  it's about 4 feet around, and has ducks on it.  it's usually full of water.  at first i thought it was a bathtub, and avoided it completely out of fear of smelling like peaches.  i *hate* bathtubs.  eventually, i got brave enough to dare to approach it to use it as a giant drinking bowl.

in case you hadn't noticed, it's about a bizzillionty degrees out today.  pack leader (who just got back yesterday after leaving me *forever* with a substitute petter) and i went over this morning to visit my girl.  after a few minutes of intense wrestling, i was panting like a maniac.  pack leader called my name and pointed to the very middle of the blue thing.  it took awhile for me to get up the gumption to climb in and walk around in the middle. 

but guess what?

it was nice!  and cool!  and nobody took out the liquid peaches!  and the best thing in the world is to get all drippy wet and then kinda dry off by rolling in the dirt.  ahhhhhhhh.....

by the way, i want the substitute petter back.  10 whole *glorious* days without a bath.  (guess who smells like peaches now?  humpf!) 

pack leaders are both in the kitchen.  primary pack leader is on one end of the kitchen, eating an apple.  secondary pack leader is on the other side of the kitchen, eating an ice cream bar.

me, i'm in the *middle* of the kitchen.

who do i look at the *entire* time?  as i perk my ears forward and slightly wag my tail in anticipation? 

the secondary pack leader, of course! 

who in their right mind would want an apple when they can have delicious ice cream???  (and i'm a *very* good boy!)

sophie came over for an early morning wrestle today.

*and* she found my bunnyrabbit!  i didn't see it the first time she scared it out from its home, but i *did* see it when it darted out from under the porch a little later.

alleged no more!  i am a *fearsome* hunter!!!!  i *will* get that bunnyrabbit!!!

spent the day with bella today.

she ate both my bully sticks within the first half hour of arriving.

then we both took a nap.

around then, secondary pack leader asked primary pack leader, "do you know a white dog?"

"maybe," she said.  "why?"

"because there's one in our yard."

sure enough, there was a white dog desperately rooting around in the bushes in the back yard trying to get at my bunnyrabbit.  primary pack leader went outside with a phone (she left me and bella inside with secondary pack leader because she's mean and wanted to be the only one who could get close enough to the new dog to sniff its butt), and went up to the new dog to call the number on his collar.

kodi had a camouflage collar.  i'm pretty sure that's why he managed to see my alleged bunnyrabbit.  i need to get me one of those, because i *still* haven't laid eyes on it.

(i didn't even get to sniff his butt, by the way; the neighbors who were taking care of him came by and took him home.)

pack leaders both went out this morning to pay particular attention to the nature instead of to the dog.  (they call it "weeding".)  incidentally, i'm not allowed to eat these hand-picked grasses because i'm not high enough in the pack yet.

primary pack leader was in the front, so i tried to lie down on top of what she was intently looking at, because then she of course would pet me.  but instead she shooed me away and went back to individually pulling on pieces of grass.  so i went out back to check on secondary pack leader to see if he needed something furry to pet.

primary pack leader didn't see me leave....she just kept on with her grasses.  a few seconds later, she screamed, "oh, no!" 

apparently she was weeding in the bunnyrabbit's hideout, and the bunnyrabbit went darting to the exact place i had been sitting at a minute earlier.  then the bunnyrabbit went and hid under a day lily a foot or so away.

by now i realized that the secondary pack leader wasn't going to pet me, so i went back to the front and stood right in front of the day lily, looking at the pack leader to see if she'd pet me.

pack leader thought it was so hilarious that i didn't see the bunnyrabbit *again* that she brought me inside and went and took its picture:



it's so small (look how big it is compared to the chain link fence that's a few inches away) that i don't understand how *anything* could be expected to find it. 

but still....how humiliating.  i'm going to go take a nap near an air-conditioned vent as i wallow in my misery.  *sigh*

got home yesterday from the evil-vetlady-who-puts-drops-in-my-stinky-ears-and-mistakenly-thinks-i'll-forgive-her-just-because-she-pets-me, and started to walk in the yard.  before i could get three steps in, the pack leaders started talking amongst themselves: 

"do you think he sees the bunny?"

"it's only two feet ahead of him."

"he doesn't see it."

"it's just a baby bunny.  looks petrified....like it's thinking 'holy shit, it's a humongous WOLF'!"

"maybe we should take captain observant inside before he notices it."

"good idea."

and they brought me in the house.  i never saw this alleged bunnyrabbit, but i got back at them this morning for denying me my right as Dog.  after the pack leaders left for "work", i helped myself to the coffee filters and the beer bottles they handily left for me on the countertop.  that'll teach them!  next time they're *sure* to let me have my way with the bunnyrabbit!

pack leader got up early on sunday morning, let me out to pee, gave me a quick breakfast, and went back to sleep.  i proceeded to entertain myself in the living room.

pack leader got up a second time at 8:00 a.m., and came downstairs.  she said, "i see you've redecorated the living room in the last two hours.  don't you think that i don't see the pillows in the middle of the floor, along with one of my boots!"  she then went to wash some dishes in the kitchen.  i proceeded to entertain myself in the living room.

pack leader heard me, and wanted to catch me red-handed in the act of slobbering on her boot so she could scold me.  she snuck into the living room; but she didn't catch me chewing on the nice, fuzzy boot....

....she caught me very energetically butthumping the soft, blue floorpillow that has arms.

how embarrassing! 

i immediately jumped off of my lovepillow and looked at her like, "this was a *private* moment of intimacy, strictly between me and the pillow."

the pack leader laughed so hard that she cried.  she said, in between hysterical laughter, "no, no, you just go ahead.  i see now that you haven't been redecorating for all these months, but that you've been having a forbidden love affair with the only thing in the house that's lower than you in the pack.  you go have fun and make that husband your bitch."

my illicit furniture love has been out-ed.

went to the park yesterday, and three tweenaged girls came up to yours truly and asked if they could pet my handsomeness.

i, of course, gave them the puppy-eyed "no one *ever* pets me" look.  next thing i know, there's *six* hands all over me, telling me what i good boy i am.

i then deployed the "lean" to further cement my hold over my new groupies -- i think it took one of them by surprise, because she almost lost her balance, but she quickly shifted her weight to support the lean, and kept petting the entire time.

ooooh, yeah......simply blissful.

now if only i can get them to hand feed me cheeses.....

....it's about *accessibility*.

tuesday night.

1:00 a.m.  it's *really* windy.  *terrifyingly* windy.

1:01 a.m.  i'm a very brave boy.  i don't need to wake up the pack leader.  i'll just go upstairs and be very brave very quietly outside their door.

1:02 a.m.  upstairs now.  still very brave.  panting begins.  lay down outside shut door to pack leader.

1:02 a.m.  standing now.  *whine quietly*

1:02 a.m.  wait patiently

1:02 a.m.  *whine quietly again*

1:03 a.m.  *whine a little louder*

1:03 a.m.  pack leader opens door, figuring if i can see her, everything will be fine.  she goes back to bed and leaves door open.  i'm 5 feet away.

1:03 a.m.  panting harder.  i'm very brave.

1:04 a.m.  more wind.  *tiny whine*

1:04 a.m.  more panting.  walk one step into the pack leader's den, where i know i'm not allowed.  *whine again*

1:04 a.m.  keep making progress towards pack leader, one step at a time.  whine the entire way.  get halfway to the bed.

1:05 a.m.  pack leader gives up and comes with me into a room where  i'm allowed.  she goes on the couch and lies down.  now that i know she's accessible, i lie down on the floor 10 feet away and fall asleep, knowing if any really big gust of wind comes up, i can jump on the couch and be with her.

it's not about *proximity*, it's about *accessibility*..

pack leader went out in the yard yesterday, so naturally i followed her.  she went walking up along the fence, pushing some big, noisy orange thing in front of her. 

so i followed right behind her, naturally.  i'm a good, submissive, follwer dog, after all.

when she got to the end of the yard, she turned around, and walked back to practically the same place she had started from.  i figured we were done, and so i followed her again, happily wagging my tail.

then when she got to the other end of the yard, she turned around *again* and pushed the orange thing *again* back to almost exactly the same spot we had just been.  i raised an eyebrow, but far be it for me to question the wisdom of the pack leader.

and thus we continued again and again and again and again and again and again.  pack leader would go to one end of the yard, i'd follow directly behind her, and then she'd turn around and go right back.  and so would i.

after about half an hour i guess she got bored, because then she went back inside.  (with me still following, of course.)

weird, huh? 

....you improvise.

i'm *very* good at improvising.  (especially since i don't like towels, anyways.  they're evil, and the world would be a better place without them.)

threw up on friday after eating more grass than my stomach seemed to think was advisable.  didn't want to upset the pack leaders, so i figured i'd clean up after myself.  couldn't get ahold of any towels (they've all been put out of my reach for some reason...probably because they are EVIL),  so i racked my brains a bit.  what else is absorbent besides towels?  something handy.  something that i can get *all by myself*.

and then it hit me.

*FUR*

fur is *very* absorbent. 

and i have *lots* of it.  all over, in fact. 

perfect!

so i went and rolled in the vomit until the floor was all nice and clean.  i was soooo proud of myself.  the pack leaders will never know! 

secondary pack leader came home and promptly announced that i "reeked" and was going to get a bath.  then primary pack leader came home and cut off all of the matted fur under my ear (that's where i'm most absorbent). 

and they gave me a *bath*.  what kind of appreciation for my ingeniuty is *that*?

 

....first they complain that i'm "sludgy" and that i "stink".  so the foolish humans (who are really not so smart at all, as you're about to see) put me in the evil-bathtub-of-much-evilness, which, believe it or not, gets me completely and totally drenched.  my beautiful, usually feathery tail, which is so far between my legs that it's practically coming out of my mouth, has not a dry piece of fur on it, anywhere. 

and you know what the humans say then? 

"man, you stink like a *wet dog*!"

....well, duh! 

that's what *happens* when you get a dog wet.  we smell like *wet dog*.  and since you don't like that smell, and since i don't like getting a bath, why do we continue to go through this terrible, horrible, awful torture on such a regular basis?

why, oh, why???

i don't know what "fractured" means, but it must be something *really* sexy, because the vet used that word to describe three of my canine teeth.  she even said that one of them was fractured to the point of being "abscessed", which must mean supersexybeyondwords, because she said that she'd like to take that tooth.  as if teeth just came out of mouths and could be given away willy-nilly....what a silly lady!

unfortunately she likes it so much i get to go back to show it to her again. 

sometimes it's hard to be dog juan.

....i guess that's why i'm not one of them.  i just don't get how they think.

went to the dogpark today, and just as i arrived bandit and myra went running after a large, black and white striped kitty.

all the pack leaders immediately went BALLISTIC.  bandit's dad and myra's mom were screaming at the top of their lungs for them to come back, and the other pack leaders quickly put their dogs on LEASHES.  leashes, *in the dogpark*!!!  it's unheard of...completely against all laws of dogparkdom!   all of us dogs tried to tell them that it's just a kitty....and any one of us could totally take it on.  it doesn't even run fast....just waddles really.  no different from a squirrel, if you think about it...and none of the pack leaders get so worked up when we run after squirrels.

you'd think the kitty was *dangerous* or something.

even my pack leader put on my leash and took me straight home.  what a wimp.

tried unsuccessfully to elope with bella yesterday.

she's more clever than i am and managed to get out of her yard and came over to mine to wait for me.  (after all of the pack leaders had left for the morning, of course.)  i figured maybe we'd get hitched then spend the honeymoon at the dogpark chewing on sticks and butthumping.

i jumped on the couch and barked "bella!  bella!  i'm coming, bella!" at the top of my lungs, but i don't think she could hear me through the window.  then i ran around and around the house, desperately trying to figure out how to get out. 

i know the pack leader uses something to open the doors, and so i grabbed everything i could find and chewed on it to see if it was the magical item. 

no luck with the kitchen towel....left it in the middle of the floor.

no luck with the pillows....left them in the middle of the floor.

no luck with the blanket....left it in the middle of the floor.

then it occurred to me that the pack leaders put SHOES on before they go.  they must be the key to opening the door!  i went and grabbed a whole bunch of them trying to figure out which ones open the door.  chewed on them for awhile, but couldn't figure out how to make them work.  left them in the middle of the floor.

at this point the dogwalker came by and took bella away.  i jumped up on the couch and barked as loud as i could after her, "bella!  bella!  i love you, bella!!!!"

*sigh*

maybe next time....

i don't get it.  everybody's on this recycling kick.  recycle this, reuse that, it's good for the planet, go green, etc., etc. 

you know what i'm talking about.

so riddle me this:  why is it that the pack leader gets all mad at me when i take the empty milk carton out of the blue bin while she's at work, bring it over to my special place, and recycle it into a two-thousand piece cardboard chew toy?

humpf. 

i'm just trying to save the planet, lady!